1. I didn’t take the time to mourn my last relationship when it ended. I was caught up in the idea that I could avoid the mess left from the breakup if I invested my feelings elsewhere. It worked for a couple weeks, but it’s catching up with me now. I wish I hadn’t tried to take a shortcut. But writing has always been a way for me to vent and I really think I need this. So here goes nothing. This may be my longest post ever. 

    Time heals all wounds. That’s what they say. And to be fair, it does seem to work that way, most of the time at least. It’s been over a month now. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. Our relationship wasn’t built to last but it doesn’t mean I valued it any less. Two people from two different worlds. To say we weren’t made for each other is an understatement. But for a while, I really believed we were perfect together. He really could brighten my day no matter what. I stayed up late practically every night, lying in bed in complete darkness (except for the light of my iphone), smiling giddily to myself while reading his silly messages. I always kicked myself for it in the morning. But he was worth every lost hour of sleep. 

    When we first met, I wasn’t doing too well. My confidence was shot. I was in a lull. He gave me something to look forward to. He gave me a reason to pull myself together. He gave me hope that this time, it would be different. It was different. But it wasn’t easy. I’ve never been the most secure of people but when things started to get going between us, I was absolutely paranoid that it wouldn’t work out. I craved his reassurance. But I needed something more concrete. I needed to know that he wanted me equally as much as I wanted him. It took (what felt like) ages. But after weeks, months of not knowing where we stood, he finally decided he was ready to take on a relationship with this crazy girl over here (AKA me). I felt the stability that had so recently been shattered slowly return to my life. It was a feeling of ease and comfort. Until we had the face the reality that we wouldn’t be by each other’s sides for very much longer.

    I’ve tried the long distance thing before. It wasn’t always a success. It wasn’t always a failure. He wasn’t thrilled at the idea of pursuing our relationship over 4 months of being apart. Neither was I. But my mind was set and I would not let him slip away from me without even giving it a shot. I don’t regret my decision. The only thing I regret is trying too hard to be the person he would fall head over heels in love with. He never loved me. I can’t hold it against him. But for those of you who know how much it hurts to love someone who doesn’t love you back, you understand what I’m talking about. I think back to all those perfect intimate moments where he could have whispered those three words back to me. I waited a long time. They never came. And I blame no one but myself for wanting too much and expecting something that should not be expected. There were times when he told me I was his everything, his whole world. He said I made him happier than anyone else. Yet he never loved me. And I never understood. 

    We didn’t really fight or argue much. We had very little in common when it came to personal interests and whatnot. But we were both very open-minded people and our differences never seemed to get in the way of our fondness for one another. I was there for him whether it was the stress of exams, family drama or a nasty case of over-drinking. And he was there to hold my hand, wipe my tears and tell me I was beautiful even with red eyes and mascara smeared all over my face. He genuinely cared. Although he never really knew me as well as he thinks he did. Maybe because I didn’t let him in that far. Maybe because he was content with what he knew. But I wanted him to be an open book to me. No secrets, no mysteries. I knew it all from his favourite inside jokes to the sounds he made when he fell asleep and everything in between. Thinking back on his quirks, I can’t help but simultaneously smile and shed a tear. Memories of him, of US, are bittersweet. They’re beautiful souvenirs of a time with an amazing guy that I hope will never fade. But for the moment, it still hurts to revisit them. The wound hasn’t healed and every reminder is a painful one. I know time will fix this. I know someone else will come along, someone who’s a better fit, who’s willing to go a little further, to take things where he didn’t want to. And I know he’ll find someone better for himself. Maybe he already has. I’m really not angry in the least that we broke up. I’m just a little lost, a little lonely and a little unsure of how long I have to wait until this numbing feeling goes away. 

    Here’s to moving forward. 

    2 months ago  /  1 note

  2. photo

    photo

    2 months ago  /  1 note

  3. 2 months ago  /  1 note

  4. Neuschwanstein. 

    Neuschwanstein. 

    2 months ago  /  3 notes

  5. photo

    photo

    photo

    photo

    2 months ago  /  1 note

  6. Week one in Vienna was extremely nostalgic and long overdue. Missed this city and the people way too much.
    Off to Prague tomorrow and the backpacking begins.
    Many, many photos to come after this month of spontaneous travel.
    Prost auf Europa!

    4 months ago  /  0 notes

  7. The loneliness & the scream to prove to everyone that I exist.

    The loneliness & the scream to prove to everyone that I exist.

    7 months ago  /  2 notes

  8. "Is it all in my head? I can’t read the expression in those blue eyes. Often times I see solely what I want to see. But I’m done with assuming there’s more to us than there really is. I can’t explain how this happened. One day I had you all figured out. The next day I was curled up against the wall, sitting on my trembling hands, wondering how I could have been so wrong. I closed so many doors hoping you’d open one for me in return. And if only you knew how many hours a night I lay awake wondering if it’s worth the wait. You’re a burden to my sanity. But some people are worth the agony of the chase."

    7 months ago  /  0 notes

  9. What is emotional stability?

    7 months ago  /  0 notes

  10. o-town.

    o-town.

    8 months ago  /  2 notes

  11. 'S fhada bho nach fhaca mi thu.

    'S fhada bho nach fhaca mi thu.

    8 months ago  /  1 note

  12. photo

    photo

    photo

    photo

    8 months ago  /  3 notes

  13. photo

    8 months ago  /  3 notes

  14. "But when I fall asleep, you come to visit. You only stay until I open my eyes. And then you fade, slowly, and I forget you were even there. Then the night falls again and you’re back. You come every night but only under closed eyelids. I see you in the darkness, but never in the light."

    8 months ago  /  0 notes

  15. 9 months ago  /  4 notes